I am sitting here in this tower, looking out over the lands and wondering, trying not to let things get to me, but it's not working. I find myself searching deep for the answers, but none come. Why does it hurt so much? Why do I keep putting myself through this? I really don't know if i can keep going. I will try, but truthfully, I really don't know. And now I find out this. It hurts, it's the worst kind of pain I have felt in a very long time. I do not know where to go, what to do, where to turn now. Everything I thought I knew is no longer. All I know is this pain that I must fight through and not let it show. I know I can do that, for to show this weakness, I cannot, must not do, no matter the cost...........

Ah, the joy I get when I bring someone to the temple. The joy and excitement I see in their eyes. Makes me wonder if they know they are helping me more than I am them........

Peaceful, quietness, a place to really search my heart. That is the only way I can explain it here. I am loving every minute of it. To actually sit here on this beach, looking out at the straight with the bridge in the distant, it is so beautiful. It took my breath away when i first saw it. I am so glad I came here now. I am not even thinking about when I need to head back, but I know it will have to be soon.

I do believe I will be coming here as often as I possibly can. It is really helping me right now. To gather myself, refind myself. I so don't want to leave, but I know I must here soon. I will have to enjoy what time I have left here......



**between the pages are little grains of sand and some of the words are faded from the water**

All I have to say is I thank the gods for such a great friend. If it wasn't for them, I really don't think I would be here right now. In fact I know I wouldn't be here. Always going off and doing things without thinking, that's me. What can I say, I've always been that way. Hopefully that will change. Really do need to stop, take a step back and think before I act. Maybe if I was to do that, then I wouldn't hurt so many.

What a difference a good nights rest makes the next day. I have a whole new out look on things. Will I be able to move on, yes eventually, for I must, and I know I will, but you know what, I am not going to rush into anything again. My feelings are still too raw, too real, too stretched to the limits.

But I am back out there, farming away for another trainee. How I do love helping them. I really do believe they help me more than I help them. They remind me why I am here, why I love it here so much, also of the way I use to be and trying to be yet again. And I know I will be........

Love, such a strong emotion for some people. To some, it brings hopes and dreams. To others, fear. What does it bring for me? Confussion, a sense of total dispair, of hopelessness, and fear. To ever love again is something I have been contemplating here lately, should I go for it or not. I really don't think I am able to do that, I don't think I will ever be ready to trust myself let alone anyone else. To feel that state of fear again, I don't think I could handle it. To totally trust someone, how can you do that when you can't even trust yourself? Maybe I have always been like this, maybe that's why I was always so skittish. Someone once told me, don't worry about love, just have fun. I do believe that is what I must do. Training, farming, spending time with friends, that is fun for me. The heartache and confussion I feel when I do love someone, that is not fun and isn't love suppose to be fun? Aren't you suppose to feel joy and happiness? The only time I truly feel that is when I have trained enough to gain a level or spend time with my true friends, where I can be myself, and not someone everyone thinks I should be like.

I guess my point is, I am going to devote my time to the three things I have stated above, and you know what, journal, if someone doesn't like them, well, they don't have to be around me. I am tired of pretending all the time. From now on, I will be myself. That is a promise I am making to myself, right here and right now, let's just hope it's a promise I will keep..............

I can't believe it. I finally made it to level 51 and got that darn UW. Now all it seems I want to do here lately is rest. Not really wanting to do anything. There are a few out there that is keeping me from sleeping permanently, and I truly thank them for it. I really just need to get back out there and live my life, but sometimes, I don't know where it is going. I must figure this all out, I know, and I know I will, all in due time it seems. Must see how it all goes...........

**stuck between the pages is a white rose with a heart drawn on one of the pages**

Who to believe, who not to believe? What do you do when the people you trust the most give you two different stories concerning the same thing? How do you sort out the lies for the truth? I know it's buried down there some where, it's getting to it that I feel will drive me insane before I actually find out. Above all, I must not loose myself. I've done that once, and I don't want to do that again. It's not a very good feeling.

I feel like I am already on that dark path again. Not really on it, but straying to it. Some how, I must get back to myself. How do I go about doing this? When it is so easy to stray, oh, man, how easy it would be to just let myself go, and crawl back into that dark abyss. To act like the way people think you should act. To put that mask back on, that would be so easy for me. But, have I fully taken it off for anyone? I find it so funny, I want to be able to open up to people, but I feel it would be best to keep everything locked deep down inside of me, in that dark abyss. If I was to join it, would it really be so bad? NO, I MUST NOT THINK LIKE THIS........

I know deep in my heart and in my gut, things will work out, I must stop this line of thought right now. If it continues, there is no telling what may happen, and that scares me more than anything right now..........

Should I be mad, hurt, upset, yes, definately, but alas I am not. How could I be? I am tired of it all. How can I not be, after everything? I will pick myself back up and dust myself off, moving forward. Can't keep me down for long, eh. That is the one thing I have learned through everything, you must keep pushing forward to get anywhere and to find peace within yourself. Hiding never does any good, niether does all work. That last part is what I really have to keep reminding myself of. Before I would just want to dive into my training and farming and try to forget everything, but I must remember not to do that. No matter how hard I find it. I know one day, I will be able to look back on all this and realize that it has made me stronger and hopefully a better person. We shall have to wait and see, eh?